I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
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Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?