I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Sorry. Not sorry
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Peace was never an option
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.