I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
This will teach them to underestimate me
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved