I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
You Might Also Like
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
🤣🤣
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.