‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares