I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
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[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT