i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Same post same
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!