I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
so this horse walks into a bar
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*