I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
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My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.