“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Gemma Correll
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find