I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
You Might Also Like
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Hamburger Hinderer.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week