I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Breaking news:
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”