I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases


Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.


*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit


Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.


Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.


I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.


Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?


My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die