@reallifemommy3

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

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@OzKamal

As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases

@VikeeysSecret

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

@HumanPog

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

@9to5Life

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

@SadPeruna

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

@QueenVofCoffee

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

@Alex_but_online

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die