I don’t know what to do
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Weirdly Wednesday.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Merry Christmas
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
pls suprot
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪