I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar