I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.