I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.