I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
You Might Also Like
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone