I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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Legend 🤣🤣
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo