I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
some things should go without saying
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Taliband
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.