I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
You Might Also Like
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.