I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
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It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”