I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
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I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then