I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
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Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?