I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
You Might Also Like
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up