I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
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Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
remember
only for emergencies
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.