I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Y’all know who you are.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
When you kidnap a writer.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*