Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣