i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
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when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
what the
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form