I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.