I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
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*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”