I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
When you kidnap a writer.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section