I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
You Might Also Like
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.