I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
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There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.