“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
#CoronaOutbreak
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!