I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.