I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.


Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?


For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.


“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous


I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.


Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”


Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.


My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…


“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old


There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.