@robyn_vo

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

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@Brianhopecomedy

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

@Paxochka

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

@DanMentos

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

@Marlebean

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

@FunnyBison

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@simoncholland

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

@ImMelanieGibson

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

@donni

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment