I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
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getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Happy Star Wars day!
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
me
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related