I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
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Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.