I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.