Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”