I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
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*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Boating season is upon us.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War