I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
We’ve come full circle
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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