I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Guys, I found it.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.