I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever