I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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Candles never taste the way they smell
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I stand by it
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.