I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.