I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
You Might Also Like
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed