I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
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When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
No laws when master is gone
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Saturday
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT