I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
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Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”