I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him