I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.