I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
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tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Bartenders are just boneless bars
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.